


North Pole Nookie

by Missy



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Humor, Mistaken Identity, Speed Dating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-08
Updated: 2012-10-08
Packaged: 2017-11-15 21:36:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/531997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barney and Ted go on a speed dating session, where they bump into a familiar face who's out to to have some fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	North Pole Nookie

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Cotton Candy Bingo '12, prompt: speed datng.

Kids, did I ever tell you about the time your Uncle Barney tried speed dating?

No, that wasn’t the time your Uncle Marshall sang an Elvis song to your Aunt Lily. That was 2008, this happened in 2012. 

Your Uncle Barney was on the rebound from Quinn, and he wasn’t handling it very well. Your Aunt Robin had hooked up with a guy she’d had a crush on for a very long time. They seemed pretty happy, at least to your Uncle Barney – who would do anything he could think of to avoid watching the two of them make out – which, in the fall of 2012, was a pretty impossible task. 

Now, as I’ve told you, your Uncle Barney pulled some pretty wild stunts to get a date. By the fall of 2012, his playbook was starting to run a little thin. So thin, he actually turned to me for date ideas.

“Speed dating,” I said firmly.

Your Uncle Barney stared at him for a very long time. “Ted, that’s a great idea…for someone who just had a lobotomy.”

So I told him to come up with a better idea in less than two minutes. He couldn’t, so together the two of us ended up going down to a bingo parlor on the South Side. That place had the best spaghetti dinners every Wednesday…but that’s also another story. All you need to know that it was a very intimate, quiet place…filled with anxious single people in orange and black dresses.

It was Halloween, kids, don’t ask.

A lady with a large flowered handbag and a creepy grin greeted us at the front door. “Hi, welcome to Speed Dating Night at the First Communion Baptist Church! Here are your customary boutonnieres…” she handed us each two red roses, “and your customary 50 Shades of Gray eyemask!”

Barney gaped at me, and I managed to ask, “I thought this was just speed dating.”

“Oh it is…with a special naughty twist.” She grabbed Barney by the tie and put his mask on with a sharp elastic snap. “We’re a very liberal religion,” she said.

“I can see that,” I said dryly before she pulled me down by the collar.

*** 

The first few dates were meh – no sparks or connection at all. Barney, meanwhile, had picked up four phone numbers. How did I know? Because he called out every time he’d ‘score one.

“TED! I’VE GOT SEVEN NUMBERS. WANT TO TAKE THE UGLY ONES?” A slapping sound. “Ugh…”

I heard the chair beside mine squeak and turned in that direction. “Sorry about my friend.”

“Oh, it is no trouble…ski. My name is Svetlana I like short dark-haired men who like the Star Wars and dream about getting the Swedish Coconut Oil Massage from the Princess Leia.”

Even with a heavy accent, I knew that voice. “Robin?”

“…I’m getting a refund from the drama department at Vancouver U. How did you know?”

“I’d know your voice anywhere,” I said. She just laughed. “What are you doing here, Robin?”

“Hey, you’re the one barging in on my territory,” she said. “I come here every week for the free appetizers and the mochatinis...and now I’m going to fool Barney.”

“That’s really unlikely,” I said. “You dated him as long as you dated me, and I really don’t…”

_DING!_

She was already gone, and I found myself talking to woman who collected stuffed dogs. She had no idea what architecture was – couldn't separate a right angle from a left – and when she was done talking I was relieved to hear the final bell ding.

Pulling off my blindfold, I stuffed the two numbers I’d gotten into my pocket. Finding Barney by the artificially high-pitched sound of Robin’s giggling, I told him I was going to walk home by myself.

“Fine...oh Svetlana,” Barney sighed. “You’re so interesting.” He stood up and started to pull off the mask, but your Aunt Robin grabbed him by the wrists.

“No,” she said. “I like it…in the dark. It reminds me of mother Finland….”

“Iceland…Who cares? I’m gonna get me some north pole nookie!” He threw his coat on and grabbed onto Robin’s elbow. “Goodbye Thaddeus.”

I watched the two of them go, not even bothering to interfere even when your Aunt Robin winked at me. Instead, I did the easy thing and walked home. Kids, that was the longest trip I've ever taken. But you know, in the end it was worth it. 

Mostly because your Uncle Barney and your Aunt Robin wouldn’t shut up about their bagpipe playing and how many ‘new tricks’ Svetlana had. Eventually I told him that she and Robin were the same person – but that’s another story.

Meanwhile, your Uncle Marshall had joined a bake-off…

THE END


End file.
